My Version of Animal Farm
Once upoun a time there was a farm called Bla la land. It was so called because 90% of the animals living on the farm were only just semi-intelligent.. each living in his own La La Land. One day, one of the farm guards decided, "These animals aren't being treated right.. I know how it's done". He then proceeded to call a few of his friends and said "Hey I have the craziest idea.. I bet you we can stir this place up and turn it into like this big huge zoo! Wouldn't that be cool?! We could like have the best animals around man! All the other farms would be so jealeous because they're only farms you now and we are like this humongous zoo and we have the best animals around you know." The other guards thought what a brilliant idea that would be! "Why didn't I think of that?!", cried one of them. It was because he was the result of a horny cow mating with a drunken man. Simply put, his brain wasn't made to think
Weeks later, the guards decided it was high time they put their master plan to action. "Huraaayyy! We have control of Bla la land! Huraaayyy". The animals were surprised at this. They didn't know what to think at first but almost all of them agreed that, "The king was pretty mean you know". "Plus the guards promised us pretty things like rainbows in the mornings and full moons every night!", noted others. "I hear they are going to turn the farm to a zoo! Oh I can't wait! I want to be a zebra!", said the mouse.
Months later.. the state of the animals was slowly deteriorating. Noone did much complain, though. This was due to two things: a hallucinogen called "propaganda" on one side and the rounding-up of "freaks" on the other side. The first was a clever trick by the guards. They would daily mix the animals' food with a hallucinogen called "propaganda". Propaganda would do wonders. It would blind them from what they see in reality and create a whole virtual world in their minds. Since they were only semi-intelligent animals anyway.. and living in their own La La Lands.. it wasn't that difficult.. almost no one was suspicious. Also they were pretty much occupied with Tiny Land nearby. There was news that Tiny Land didn't really like being tiny at all and wanted Bla La Land's eastern barn to accomplish its diabolical scheme to control the neighbourhood.
On the other hand, something unexpected happened. Due to a mix-up of some genes in the mating process of the animals, a few intelligent animals were born... Almost as if not animals... one could even dare say they challenged the guards in their humanity. However these "humans" would not last long and were called "freaks" by the guards. The guards realized that if this animal-turning-into-humans-business became common, then the next step would be them "freak" humans questioning the actions of the holy guards of Bla La Land. "And what would these freaks know anyway?! DESTROOOYYYYYYY!!!"... And so materialized the second method of controlling Bla La Land. Rounding up the "freaks".
A year passed and the state of the animals was deteriorating more rapidly. The head guard, Abdo, passed away and in doing so Bla La Land was handed over to his trusty guard friend, Nounou. The other guards would surely help out too.. It was like a bunch of friends working on a personal business project. It was ohh so touching to watch such co-operation and understanding. Only problem was that the original project to turn Bla La Land to a zoo was scraped, "Everyone is doing zoos these days.. zoos are out man.. ranches are in!". Private ranch, that is. A guards-only ranch! The guards would jump up and down with glee at the thought of having their own personal ranch. "Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! We could have like a shade over here! And a swing over there! Oh! Oh! And we could have a slide over at that area! Oh honey how I love to slide! Oh baby you are the best!!", exclaimed the wife of one of the guards. "Yes dear, you could have all that honey.. you know satisfying you is my sole purpose in life", replied Hos-hos with a knowing wink. Suzy blushes. "Yes I know dear. The moment I laid my eyes on you I knew you were the man for me. You know what else I want baby?". "Name it Suzy.. just name it.. Do you want me to change the sphinx to look like you? A 4th pyramid in your name maybe? A second husband perhaps? 'Cause you know I'm down with that. As long as you are happy". "Oh no no dear. Well, we could see about that last one but actually I was thinking about something more in the lines of a beautiful baby boy to carry on the family name. I want him to be just like you!".
"Well then what are we waiting for?! Let's get to it!".
Another year passes by and Hos-hos is proclaimed head guard. He and Suzy have Jimmy and Ol-ol. In the meanwhile the animals' situation is getting terrible. Roaming aimlessly in Bla la land with no purpose in life. However, they "Thank God for everything", which seems ironic because there is nothing to begin with so what's up with this "everything" while the other guards are happily enjoying the benefits of a private ranch. Hos-hos never forgets Suzy's words.. "I want him to be just like you".. Her wishes are his commands. Hos-hos decides he sees potential in Jimmy and draws up his 'master plan'.
Hos-hos is a guard. So Jimmy must be a guard too. He starts calling himself and his friends.. "The Old Guard". Let's face it.. they are old! That would make Jimmy and his friends... "The New Guard". Brilliant!!!! Just Brilliant!!!!
"I believe that my dear animals need new blood! They need new thought! They need.... NEW GUARDS!!!"
The animals are thrown into a frenzy of excitement!
"How can one argue such divine wisdom?!!!"
"North.South.East.West! Hos-.Hos.Is.Da.Best!"
"Hashtekna we Bashtekna ya rayeesss! Danta ra2ees wel ne3ma kwayes!!"
Now the thing is.. Hos-hos is not any guard! He is *the* head guard. So Jimmy must be the head guard too. Only problem was that a few months earlier.. in a similar nearby ranch called Soor Land.. little guard Jr. had taken over Daddy's ranch after a "slight" bending of the rules to allow him to do so... Amazingly, Bla La Land's animals were scornful... Opps.. "I should have sprayed a few more propaganda hallucinagens at that time... Damnit.. It totally slipped me then... Bad Me! Bad Me!"
What to do.... What to do.....
"I know!! I will MAKE the animals choose Jimmy!!! They will do it on their own free will! Can't do something and then complain can they!?! Excellent! Yes that's it! They will choose my Jimmy! They will! How can they not choose my Jimmy?! Everyone loves Jimmy! Brilliant!!! Just Brilliant!!!"
So started the election circus.....
"I believe that my dear animals should join in the running of the ranch! So I propose there be elections!!!"
The animals are thrown into a frenzy of excitement! (Again...)
"How can one argue such divine wisdom?!!!"
"North.South.East.West! Hos-.Hos.Is.Da.Best!"
"Hashtekna we Bashtekna ya rayeesss! Danta ra2ees wel ne3ma kwayes!!"
Problem 1: But what if there are animals who challenge li'l Jimmy?
Hos-hos: "Over my dead body.. Suzy asked for Jimmy so Jimmy it is..."
Solution: Add impossible requirements for potential candidates.. So only Jimmy is left!!
Problem 2: But sir, animals are high on political apathy scale. And some "freaks" are calling for a boycott!
Hos-hos: "Damnit that would make me look like a clown!"
Solution: Forge the fucking ballots man! It's MY ranch man! I can do whatever I want! What did you think I was REALLY gonna share it with some animals??!
Problem 3: But sir, some "freaks" got to know that the results were forged!
Hos-hos: "THIS IS RUBBISH!!! Damn those freaks! Why don't they love Jimmy?! Everyone loves Jimmy!"
Solution: Put pressure to postpone this rubbish.. I will deal with the "freaks" in the meantime... It's me or them on this ranch! We'll see who gets the last laugh!
And so continues life in a farm called Bla La Land................
Weeks later, the guards decided it was high time they put their master plan to action. "Huraaayyy! We have control of Bla la land! Huraaayyy". The animals were surprised at this. They didn't know what to think at first but almost all of them agreed that, "The king was pretty mean you know". "Plus the guards promised us pretty things like rainbows in the mornings and full moons every night!", noted others. "I hear they are going to turn the farm to a zoo! Oh I can't wait! I want to be a zebra!", said the mouse.
Months later.. the state of the animals was slowly deteriorating. Noone did much complain, though. This was due to two things: a hallucinogen called "propaganda" on one side and the rounding-up of "freaks" on the other side. The first was a clever trick by the guards. They would daily mix the animals' food with a hallucinogen called "propaganda". Propaganda would do wonders. It would blind them from what they see in reality and create a whole virtual world in their minds. Since they were only semi-intelligent animals anyway.. and living in their own La La Lands.. it wasn't that difficult.. almost no one was suspicious. Also they were pretty much occupied with Tiny Land nearby. There was news that Tiny Land didn't really like being tiny at all and wanted Bla La Land's eastern barn to accomplish its diabolical scheme to control the neighbourhood.
On the other hand, something unexpected happened. Due to a mix-up of some genes in the mating process of the animals, a few intelligent animals were born... Almost as if not animals... one could even dare say they challenged the guards in their humanity. However these "humans" would not last long and were called "freaks" by the guards. The guards realized that if this animal-turning-into-humans-business became common, then the next step would be them "freak" humans questioning the actions of the holy guards of Bla La Land. "And what would these freaks know anyway?! DESTROOOYYYYYYY!!!"... And so materialized the second method of controlling Bla La Land. Rounding up the "freaks".
A year passed and the state of the animals was deteriorating more rapidly. The head guard, Abdo, passed away and in doing so Bla La Land was handed over to his trusty guard friend, Nounou. The other guards would surely help out too.. It was like a bunch of friends working on a personal business project. It was ohh so touching to watch such co-operation and understanding. Only problem was that the original project to turn Bla La Land to a zoo was scraped, "Everyone is doing zoos these days.. zoos are out man.. ranches are in!". Private ranch, that is. A guards-only ranch! The guards would jump up and down with glee at the thought of having their own personal ranch. "Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! We could have like a shade over here! And a swing over there! Oh! Oh! And we could have a slide over at that area! Oh honey how I love to slide! Oh baby you are the best!!", exclaimed the wife of one of the guards. "Yes dear, you could have all that honey.. you know satisfying you is my sole purpose in life", replied Hos-hos with a knowing wink. Suzy blushes. "Yes I know dear. The moment I laid my eyes on you I knew you were the man for me. You know what else I want baby?". "Name it Suzy.. just name it.. Do you want me to change the sphinx to look like you? A 4th pyramid in your name maybe? A second husband perhaps? 'Cause you know I'm down with that. As long as you are happy". "Oh no no dear. Well, we could see about that last one but actually I was thinking about something more in the lines of a beautiful baby boy to carry on the family name. I want him to be just like you!".
"Well then what are we waiting for?! Let's get to it!".
Another year passes by and Hos-hos is proclaimed head guard. He and Suzy have Jimmy and Ol-ol. In the meanwhile the animals' situation is getting terrible. Roaming aimlessly in Bla la land with no purpose in life. However, they "Thank God for everything", which seems ironic because there is nothing to begin with so what's up with this "everything" while the other guards are happily enjoying the benefits of a private ranch. Hos-hos never forgets Suzy's words.. "I want him to be just like you".. Her wishes are his commands. Hos-hos decides he sees potential in Jimmy and draws up his 'master plan'.
Hos-hos is a guard. So Jimmy must be a guard too. He starts calling himself and his friends.. "The Old Guard". Let's face it.. they are old! That would make Jimmy and his friends... "The New Guard". Brilliant!!!! Just Brilliant!!!!
"I believe that my dear animals need new blood! They need new thought! They need.... NEW GUARDS!!!"
The animals are thrown into a frenzy of excitement!
"How can one argue such divine wisdom?!!!"
"North.South.East.West! Hos-.Hos.Is.Da.Best!"
"Hashtekna we Bashtekna ya rayeesss! Danta ra2ees wel ne3ma kwayes!!"
Now the thing is.. Hos-hos is not any guard! He is *the* head guard. So Jimmy must be the head guard too. Only problem was that a few months earlier.. in a similar nearby ranch called Soor Land.. little guard Jr. had taken over Daddy's ranch after a "slight" bending of the rules to allow him to do so... Amazingly, Bla La Land's animals were scornful... Opps.. "I should have sprayed a few more propaganda hallucinagens at that time... Damnit.. It totally slipped me then... Bad Me! Bad Me!"
What to do.... What to do.....
"I know!! I will MAKE the animals choose Jimmy!!! They will do it on their own free will! Can't do something and then complain can they!?! Excellent! Yes that's it! They will choose my Jimmy! They will! How can they not choose my Jimmy?! Everyone loves Jimmy! Brilliant!!! Just Brilliant!!!"
So started the election circus.....
"I believe that my dear animals should join in the running of the ranch! So I propose there be elections!!!"
The animals are thrown into a frenzy of excitement! (Again...)
"How can one argue such divine wisdom?!!!"
"North.South.East.West! Hos-.Hos.Is.Da.Best!"
"Hashtekna we Bashtekna ya rayeesss! Danta ra2ees wel ne3ma kwayes!!"
Problem 1: But what if there are animals who challenge li'l Jimmy?
Hos-hos: "Over my dead body.. Suzy asked for Jimmy so Jimmy it is..."
Solution: Add impossible requirements for potential candidates.. So only Jimmy is left!!
Problem 2: But sir, animals are high on political apathy scale. And some "freaks" are calling for a boycott!
Hos-hos: "Damnit that would make me look like a clown!"
Solution: Forge the fucking ballots man! It's MY ranch man! I can do whatever I want! What did you think I was REALLY gonna share it with some animals??!
Problem 3: But sir, some "freaks" got to know that the results were forged!
Hos-hos: "THIS IS RUBBISH!!! Damn those freaks! Why don't they love Jimmy?! Everyone loves Jimmy!"
Solution: Put pressure to postpone this rubbish.. I will deal with the "freaks" in the meantime... It's me or them on this ranch! We'll see who gets the last laugh!
And so continues life in a farm called Bla La Land................
posted by wutever at 4:27 AM
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